by Nikki | Mar 26, 2014 | Blog, struggling
Giving Away Your Power
Are you actually giving away your power, and perhaps not even realizing it? Don’t misunderstand me here, giving things away can be wonderful, but if it’s yourself you’re giving away, you might want to reconsider… And sometimes we may not even realize that’s what we’re doing.
A regular pattern that I see with my coaching clients is a tendency to give up your own needs in order to keep someone in their life happy, or simply keep that person around. That’s what giving yourself away looks like, and it can be painful, and lead to lots of resentment. In fact it can destroy otherwise great relationships.
Even if a relationship is clearly dysfunctional, letting go can be so distressing that I might give up my own needs to ensure that that person doesn’t ‘leave me’, or to make sure that they keep ‘liking’ me. Giving away your power is not going to fix the relationship, and in fact might even be the biggest difficulty in the relationship. Sometimes, what needs to happen is that I simply them go, or at least state my needs and find out if they’re willing to negotiate with me get that need met, while still trying to meet their own.
Sounds Too Simple
Sounds easy, huh? But stating my needs requires me to actually recognize that I have that need… And, if I’ve been busy focusing so much of my energy on ensuring that I’m taking care of others first, I might not even be aware of my own.
It may be that I only notice my need when something is missing, for instance when I feel sad, angry or even disappointed. I might realize that there is something I want that I’m not getting. It might also be that when someone is no longer in my life, I notice what needs they were fulfilling.
So that’s the problem defined, you say, but what can I do about it? How do I come to know my own needs? What’s its going to take?
Noticing What I need
My own experience has been that when I practice putting my attention on my emotions, sensations and thoughts, I’m constantly receiving signals of what I want and need (or don’t want, just as importantly). What in my life feels like it feeds me, or instead, what exhausts me. These messages are full of information, if only I can listen for them.
My body and mind are talking to me all the time. Learning, first, to hear what they have to say, and in time, how to interpret those messages, is the reward of my self-awareness practice. My choice has been to take the route of Gestalt Awareness Practice, just one of the many roads that lead to that chosen destination. The quieting of my mind that is required to hear those signals. In my experience, which practice you chose is not what’s most important, it’s the intention; wanting to quiet the mind, and tune in, to notice what the body and mind are trying to tell us.
Many Roads Lead to the Same Place
Some people choose meditation practices, some yoga, some pranayama, and some others even find that time in nature provides the mind quieting needed to reduce the white-noise of the world. The aim is to get time, space, and breath to begin to tune in, and then only practice can build the skill required to really hear these signals. Its called practice because that’s what it takes! Repeated moments of actively listening, getting my mind a little more calmed to allow the messages to be heard and to find out what is needed or wanted.
I’d be happy to hear of your own experience of mind quieting, and what benefits it brings you. Have you found a way to hear from inside yourself, to listen to your own wants and needs?
by Nikki | Apr 8, 2012 | critic, struggling
The benefits of struggling
I read an article recently about the benefits of struggling in relation to learning. You won’t be surprised to learn that students who are given less instruction to complete a new task may not succeed in that task as often, but will learn about the method or system better than those given more detailed direction. In other words, their struggle enables them to learn more, and create greater understanding of a process, making them more likely to succeed at the task in future.
Struggling is something I do regularly, in fact creating this site about me has been, one of my biggest struggles. I am a very private person, and revealing myself to you like this is quite a way outside my comfort zone. On the plus side, I consider it character building, and as I really enjoy working with coaching clients, it feels important to tell the world a little more about me. Its the work that I love – no, I mean LOVE – and this is a way I can do more of it. So, on with the struggle!
What can we learn
My clients often find themselves struggling during their coaching series, but I don’t consider it my job to fix them or their struggle. My number one priority is to stay present and actively listen at these times, especially for patterns of thinking that may emerge. As difficult and painful as it can be, so much learning is available in this position. I work to help my client see the habits that appear in those times. Do they ‘collapse’ from defeat, or maybe their strategy is to try to ignore or deny this problem, and what does this tell us about her (or his) response in other areas of life? What can we learn from this reaction (or lack of one), how can we make it easier, or just maybe we can find a new and more creative response?
What I see often is their inner critic getting louder and louder, affirming to them things like ‘I knew I couldn’t do that”, or ‘I’m just going to fail again’, or some other way to get out of the struggle – to stop the discomfort. In other words, this pain will stop now if ‘we’ just stop trying to achieve or complete this task. My experience of my inner critic is that he considers it his job to ‘save’ me – from myself and any future disappointments.
Listening a little deeper
In the moments when I can become aware of that ‘voice’ and listen a little deeper, he seems to have the best of intentions. Sadly, he’s a one-trick pony, and his limited attempts to help can simply make me feel ‘less than’. So in those times when I can consciously hear that critic’s voice, I simply tell that voice “thank you, I see you’re trying to help, but that’s not what I need right now, you can take a break. I’ve got this one”. And then I get on with examining the difficulty and find a creative solution.
What’s your response to struggling, and what helps you to give your critic or judge a break in those moments? Have you found a creative way to respond when you find yourself struggling? I’d love to hear about it. Coaching is a judgement-free zone for me, and my hope is that my clients can give their critics a break during our work, and be open to what’s available to them in this uncomfortable place we call a ‘struggle’.
by Nikki | May 15, 2010 | Blog, Featured
You’ve stumbled upon the interwebs home of Nikki Fryn, Awareness Coach & Systems Strategist, designer, photographer and [wo]man about town.
This site is continually under construction and may contain nonsense posts. In fact even when its not under construction, it may contain nonsense.
I welcome your feedback and responses to my ramblings here.
