by Nikki | Dec 30, 2016 | critic, self-love
My journey to self-love
The journey to self-love has been a long one for me… From running away from home, and then almost every relationship I’ve ever developed, to moving away from each of the 8 or 9 cities I’ve lived in.
Always running ‘from’ and yet finding myself in the same situation, again, and finding the need to run, again. I’ve known for a while now that I’ve been running from me, and of course, taking me along as a stowaway each time.
The old adage, “wherever you go, there you are’ kept proving to be true, over and over again, except I wasn’t yet aware of the saying or the truth of it until very recently.
After finding generous and amazing teachers who’ve graced my life, and learning and following both an awareness practice and a gratitude practice, I was still running. Internally if not outwardly, looking for something that I simply could not name or even really describe.
I kept hoping to suddenly discover the feelings of being home, of belonging, and simple joy. Willing to work for it, I joined groups and tried to bare my soul, and somehow never feeling safe enough to get truly vulnerable; to voice all that I feared, even to myself.
A magic moment
A few weeks ago something that feels magical happened during my morning writing practice. A sudden revelation and a powerful piece of insight.
The realizations that I could give myself permission to listen to the ‘other’ voice I have inside and trust that this kind inner voice was telling the truth. I could simply notice and then shush the critic who also lives in me, and who is very, very vocal. That voice always seems to think that all it has to say must be heeded, and believed; as if I was in mortal danger if I didn’t take notice of those words, the critique of each thing I did or even considered doing, or saying.
This seemingly small insight led me to realize that listening to the constant critique of me and all my actions (no, I’m not exaggerating here) was leading me to self-hatred and, worse self-rejection. Even though I’d be actively seeking self-acceptance for over a decade.
I haven’t mentioned the bouts of deep depression throughout my life, the exhaustion of second guessing all that I say and do. Analyzing every word I utter, and every response I’ve ever received. Not exactly a position of strength of a place of empowerment, and certainly not an ideal path to finding longed-for feelings of home, belonging or joy.
My revelation was not just that I could listen to my kind inner-voice, but that could believe what it is saying – as opposed to dismissing it, as my inner critic instructed me to for so many years. That I could use that voice as my Northstar, using its kind wisdom to guide me.
A declaration from my inner wise woman
From that small spark of an idea – that I could begin listening to that other voice, and believe what it’s telling me and not dismissing it immediately, came the genesis of a much grander idea. An action I could take to bring it out of my head (and off the pages of my journal) and birth it in the world.
My Self-Love Manifesto
My Self-Love Manifesto is full of loving reminders of ways to be kind to myself, that motivate me to want to be in the world, instead of shrink from it. It’s a powerful declaration from my kind inner voice. Instead of a litany of criticism and mean affirmations, I now have a list of instructions to love and nurture myself, in every moment.
It’s visible to me, all day
My Self-love Manifesto is now a poster hanging on the wall beside my desk. It makes me smile each time I see it. With these loving reminders, my kind voice seems to get a little louder each day. Now I notice my critic’s voice more quickly, and thank it and remind it that I’ve got this – I’m safe and I’m going to be OK without its mean rejoinders.
I offer my Self-Love Manifesto to you. My wish is that it inspires more self-love in you and the world. That helps you find a little more fearlessness, a touch more daring, a dash of empowerment, and most of all joy.
Try reading it each morning, or printing it and putting on the wall where you’ll see it each day. I’d love to hear the shifts that happen for your from listening to your kind inner voice.
by Nikki | Oct 20, 2015 | Blog, critic, Thoughts
Managing Change
I’m in a big phase of change in my life, and each day I notice that how to swing from welcoming it with open arms, to resisting change with everything I can muster!
And just occasionally, I’m able to simply surrender to change, and trust that whatever is occurring is the right thing, and for my highest good.
If you were to ask me about change, I’d tell you “I love it!”, and some days that’s entirely true. I truly believe change keeps my thinking fresher and my brain clearer. I’ll tell you it makes me more creative and happier, and even helps keep me young.
But that’s not the whole story. Here’s the real kicker… Change is destabilizing and anxiety provoking!
It’s downright scary. It’s frightening, and makes us fearful. It brings up many questions:
What if things don’t work out the way I want them to?
What if I don’t get what I want?
What if ‘they’ don’t like me, or don’t agree with what I’ve done?
Facing our fears
To manage change successfully we need to face our fears of the unknown, of the future, and so much more. Easier said than done.
Sometimes, I don’t notice the fear… those are the times when I simply move on to a task or request that’s less threatening, without even a thought. When I have the awareness that I’m experiencing fear, I try to get clear on what it is that I’m afraid of, so I can remember that it might simply be my brain’s inherent negativity bias, and also to see if it’s a ‘real’ fear. You know, those ones that truly are a threat to my physical survival, rather than me avoiding some kind of shame or humiliation.
At the same time it’s important to remember that focusing on fearful thoughts tends to attract more fear.
When I notice I’m once again expecting the worst, I begin to focus on past successes, and remember that I also encountered fears prior to each of those successes. Most change comes with fear, but I’m trying to train my mind to expect to succeed, and to create more positive beliefs about my future.
Negativity Bias
As Rick Hanson say in his blog post, ‘Take in the Good’ Nov. 18, 2009: “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” Put simply, we have to work at being aware of the positive things that happen to us, and remembering them, rather than exclusively staying aware of the negative or fearful events.
It’s also important to remember the upside of change. Changing my ideas, or my perspective, can help me be happier and can make my life better. It can feel great, and can be exciting. And sometimes one small change in outlook is all that it takes to achieve dreams, and goals.
Remembering both to notice the upside, and being aware that my brain is attuned to the negative, can help to defuse the anxiety that change can induce. Add to that a little bravery in the face of my internal gremlins, and my life can be so much easier, and I can get on and do the work that brings me joy.
What change do you want in your life, and what are your strategies to manage change?
by Nikki | Apr 8, 2012 | critic, struggling
The benefits of struggling
I read an article recently about the benefits of struggling in relation to learning. You won’t be surprised to learn that students who are given less instruction to complete a new task may not succeed in that task as often, but will learn about the method or system better than those given more detailed direction. In other words, their struggle enables them to learn more, and create greater understanding of a process, making them more likely to succeed at the task in future.
Struggling is something I do regularly, in fact creating this site about me has been, one of my biggest struggles. I am a very private person, and revealing myself to you like this is quite a way outside my comfort zone. On the plus side, I consider it character building, and as I really enjoy working with coaching clients, it feels important to tell the world a little more about me. Its the work that I love – no, I mean LOVE – and this is a way I can do more of it. So, on with the struggle!
What can we learn
My clients often find themselves struggling during their coaching series, but I don’t consider it my job to fix them or their struggle. My number one priority is to stay present and actively listen at these times, especially for patterns of thinking that may emerge. As difficult and painful as it can be, so much learning is available in this position. I work to help my client see the habits that appear in those times. Do they ‘collapse’ from defeat, or maybe their strategy is to try to ignore or deny this problem, and what does this tell us about her (or his) response in other areas of life? What can we learn from this reaction (or lack of one), how can we make it easier, or just maybe we can find a new and more creative response?
What I see often is their inner critic getting louder and louder, affirming to them things like ‘I knew I couldn’t do that”, or ‘I’m just going to fail again’, or some other way to get out of the struggle – to stop the discomfort. In other words, this pain will stop now if ‘we’ just stop trying to achieve or complete this task. My experience of my inner critic is that he considers it his job to ‘save’ me – from myself and any future disappointments.
Listening a little deeper
In the moments when I can become aware of that ‘voice’ and listen a little deeper, he seems to have the best of intentions. Sadly, he’s a one-trick pony, and his limited attempts to help can simply make me feel ‘less than’. So in those times when I can consciously hear that critic’s voice, I simply tell that voice “thank you, I see you’re trying to help, but that’s not what I need right now, you can take a break. I’ve got this one”. And then I get on with examining the difficulty and find a creative solution.
What’s your response to struggling, and what helps you to give your critic or judge a break in those moments? Have you found a creative way to respond when you find yourself struggling? I’d love to hear about it. Coaching is a judgement-free zone for me, and my hope is that my clients can give their critics a break during our work, and be open to what’s available to them in this uncomfortable place we call a ‘struggle’.
