by Nikki | Dec 23, 2015 | Blog, struggling
Relieving Stress
Friday has arrived once more, and maybe you find yourself feeling the pressure and stress of whatever still sits on your list from this week. Here are my tips for some relieving stress quickly, and quite simply.
Today, I have a Friday reframe just for you…This week we’re putting a little twist on stress.
When you’re chronically stressed, your body produces adrenalin & cortisol, reducing functions that would be nonessential or detrimental in a fight-or-flight situation, in effect your brain to stops functioning in some the usual ways.
A new approach to stress: Stop trying; rest, ease, switch strategically.
In short, your ability to think logically becomes very limited. If you imagine that your thoughts are usually traveling on a freeway with lots of lanes, and many off ramps, under duress (stress) that freeway becomes an alleyway with far fewer turn offs. And that means that you are aware of fewer options, so you won’t be making the best choices.
You literally can’t think straight, so your decision making abilities, your creativity and your rational thinking are all stunted.
So when you feel the mind-freezing, chest-tightening, breath-shallowing effect of stress, it’s time to try something new… Here’s a little stress relief.
Stress Relief
Feeling stressed? Stop whatever you’re doing, or obsessively thinking about, and not able to even begin. Take a walk, play some music, dance a little, call a friend. The trying ends here. Take time for a break, and get your brain and body focused on something entirely different for at least 30 minutes. And then, tune in to yourself, and your inner state. Notice you’re a little calmer, you can breathe a little deeper, and you’ve stopped obsessing about your list, or task.
Take a New Approach
Now approach your work from a different angle. Get another opinion on how to do something. Brainstorm 5 different ways you could deal with a challenge – the sillier the better. Write ideas on post-it notes and stick them on the walls. As it says in our Stress Friday reframe switch your thinking strategically, and start moving in a different direction, and soon you’ll notice you’re back on top and moving in the direction of progress. You’re thinking more clearly and have a fresh start.
by Nikki | May 24, 2015 | Blog, struggling, Thoughts
Stuck in Fear
We’ve all been stuck! Stopped! Jammed up! at some stage. Fear rears it’s sweet little head, and you’re suddenly stopped. It happens to me more often than I like to admit. Without even realizing it, I’ve started listening to the stories in my head about what might happen, what ‘they‘ might think, how ‘it‘ won’t work, and why I’m not the one to do ‘it‘.
Usually it’s when I’m at my most productive. I’m on a roll, I have lots of momentum, have been creating like crazy, putting myself out there, and suddenly BAM! I’m stopped and can’t seem to get myself going again. Fear has me in it’s grip. It doesn’t seem to make sense at the time. I just did all that, and stretched myself in all those ways, and suddenly I’m believing the stories about how I can’t do it.
Stretching Your Bungee Cord
I have learned that what happen is I’ve stretched my own personal bungee cord, taking myself out of my comfort zone just a little too far, and as Newton’s laws of motion tell us ‘For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction’. Yup! You guessed it!s I’ve bounced back ‘too’ far.
It’s a classic scenario, and I’m a humbled to say that I’m still surprised every time. The part of me that gets me out there, thinks it’s the perfect place to be. Strutting my stuff, telling my truth, kickin’ ass and takin’ names. But there are other parts of me. Parts that believe that it’s not OK to be so far out in the light, and we’d better get back in the shadows right now, before something bad happens. Those parts in fear aren’t specific about what ‘bad’ might look like, but they are entirely sure that it won’t be a good thing.
But How Exactly
So how do you (and when I say you I mean me) get over this ‘fear’ attack? How do you get myself moving again? Stepping back into the light. What I’ve found is that the antidote to the stories that my scared parts tell me is to do something small and seemingly insignificant. Take some small micro-step towards the longed for outcome. Notice the fear and keep going.
Since journaling is something that I find helpful, but very difficult in that place, that might look like getting my journal out and my favorite pen and putting it on top of my desk. Exercise is something I really enjoy, but the scared parts of me tell me not to do it, so sometimes to shake myself up I’ll dance to my favorite song. You could write an email to a precious friend, go and wash your car while listening to a podcast, have a shower and really feel the water running over your skin. The important part is to re-engage with reality.
Stories are Not Reality
Those stories that come from fear are not reality! They’re stories, designed to keep you safe, and in doing so, they keep you small. Engaging with reality, and taking some small action is the antidote to those stories. If you want something different in your life, you’re going to have to do something different. Try this next time you’re feeling jammed-up.
Next time you notice fear holding you back, try micro-steps. The tiniest things can make a huge difference. And when you’re back on track, and want to get even more done, check out my series on Productivity Posts.
by Nikki | Mar 26, 2014 | Blog, struggling
Giving Away Your Power
Are you actually giving away your power, and perhaps not even realizing it? Don’t misunderstand me here, giving things away can be wonderful, but if it’s yourself you’re giving away, you might want to reconsider… And sometimes we may not even realize that’s what we’re doing.
A regular pattern that I see with my coaching clients is a tendency to give up your own needs in order to keep someone in their life happy, or simply keep that person around. That’s what giving yourself away looks like, and it can be painful, and lead to lots of resentment. In fact it can destroy otherwise great relationships.
Even if a relationship is clearly dysfunctional, letting go can be so distressing that I might give up my own needs to ensure that that person doesn’t ‘leave me’, or to make sure that they keep ‘liking’ me. Giving away your power is not going to fix the relationship, and in fact might even be the biggest difficulty in the relationship. Sometimes, what needs to happen is that I simply them go, or at least state my needs and find out if they’re willing to negotiate with me get that need met, while still trying to meet their own.
Sounds Too Simple
Sounds easy, huh? But stating my needs requires me to actually recognize that I have that need… And, if I’ve been busy focusing so much of my energy on ensuring that I’m taking care of others first, I might not even be aware of my own.
It may be that I only notice my need when something is missing, for instance when I feel sad, angry or even disappointed. I might realize that there is something I want that I’m not getting. It might also be that when someone is no longer in my life, I notice what needs they were fulfilling.
So that’s the problem defined, you say, but what can I do about it? How do I come to know my own needs? What’s its going to take?
Noticing What I need
My own experience has been that when I practice putting my attention on my emotions, sensations and thoughts, I’m constantly receiving signals of what I want and need (or don’t want, just as importantly). What in my life feels like it feeds me, or instead, what exhausts me. These messages are full of information, if only I can listen for them.
My body and mind are talking to me all the time. Learning, first, to hear what they have to say, and in time, how to interpret those messages, is the reward of my self-awareness practice. My choice has been to take the route of Gestalt Awareness Practice, just one of the many roads that lead to that chosen destination. The quieting of my mind that is required to hear those signals. In my experience, which practice you chose is not what’s most important, it’s the intention; wanting to quiet the mind, and tune in, to notice what the body and mind are trying to tell us.
Many Roads Lead to the Same Place
Some people choose meditation practices, some yoga, some pranayama, and some others even find that time in nature provides the mind quieting needed to reduce the white-noise of the world. The aim is to get time, space, and breath to begin to tune in, and then only practice can build the skill required to really hear these signals. Its called practice because that’s what it takes! Repeated moments of actively listening, getting my mind a little more calmed to allow the messages to be heard and to find out what is needed or wanted.
I’d be happy to hear of your own experience of mind quieting, and what benefits it brings you. Have you found a way to hear from inside yourself, to listen to your own wants and needs?
by Nikki | Apr 8, 2012 | critic, struggling
The benefits of struggling
I read an article recently about the benefits of struggling in relation to learning. You won’t be surprised to learn that students who are given less instruction to complete a new task may not succeed in that task as often, but will learn about the method or system better than those given more detailed direction. In other words, their struggle enables them to learn more, and create greater understanding of a process, making them more likely to succeed at the task in future.
Struggling is something I do regularly, in fact creating this site about me has been, one of my biggest struggles. I am a very private person, and revealing myself to you like this is quite a way outside my comfort zone. On the plus side, I consider it character building, and as I really enjoy working with coaching clients, it feels important to tell the world a little more about me. Its the work that I love – no, I mean LOVE – and this is a way I can do more of it. So, on with the struggle!
What can we learn
My clients often find themselves struggling during their coaching series, but I don’t consider it my job to fix them or their struggle. My number one priority is to stay present and actively listen at these times, especially for patterns of thinking that may emerge. As difficult and painful as it can be, so much learning is available in this position. I work to help my client see the habits that appear in those times. Do they ‘collapse’ from defeat, or maybe their strategy is to try to ignore or deny this problem, and what does this tell us about her (or his) response in other areas of life? What can we learn from this reaction (or lack of one), how can we make it easier, or just maybe we can find a new and more creative response?
What I see often is their inner critic getting louder and louder, affirming to them things like ‘I knew I couldn’t do that”, or ‘I’m just going to fail again’, or some other way to get out of the struggle – to stop the discomfort. In other words, this pain will stop now if ‘we’ just stop trying to achieve or complete this task. My experience of my inner critic is that he considers it his job to ‘save’ me – from myself and any future disappointments.
Listening a little deeper
In the moments when I can become aware of that ‘voice’ and listen a little deeper, he seems to have the best of intentions. Sadly, he’s a one-trick pony, and his limited attempts to help can simply make me feel ‘less than’. So in those times when I can consciously hear that critic’s voice, I simply tell that voice “thank you, I see you’re trying to help, but that’s not what I need right now, you can take a break. I’ve got this one”. And then I get on with examining the difficulty and find a creative solution.
What’s your response to struggling, and what helps you to give your critic or judge a break in those moments? Have you found a creative way to respond when you find yourself struggling? I’d love to hear about it. Coaching is a judgement-free zone for me, and my hope is that my clients can give their critics a break during our work, and be open to what’s available to them in this uncomfortable place we call a ‘struggle’.
