by Nikki | Dec 30, 2016 | critic, self-love
My journey to self-love
The journey to self-love has been a long one for me… From running away from home, and then almost every relationship I’ve ever developed, to moving away from each of the 8 or 9 cities I’ve lived in.
Always running ‘from’ and yet finding myself in the same situation, again, and finding the need to run, again. I’ve known for a while now that I’ve been running from me, and of course, taking me along as a stowaway each time.
The old adage, “wherever you go, there you are’ kept proving to be true, over and over again, except I wasn’t yet aware of the saying or the truth of it until very recently.
After finding generous and amazing teachers who’ve graced my life, and learning and following both an awareness practice and a gratitude practice, I was still running. Internally if not outwardly, looking for something that I simply could not name or even really describe.
I kept hoping to suddenly discover the feelings of being home, of belonging, and simple joy. Willing to work for it, I joined groups and tried to bare my soul, and somehow never feeling safe enough to get truly vulnerable; to voice all that I feared, even to myself.
A magic moment
A few weeks ago something that feels magical happened during my morning writing practice. A sudden revelation and a powerful piece of insight.
The realizations that I could give myself permission to listen to the ‘other’ voice I have inside and trust that this kind inner voice was telling the truth. I could simply notice and then shush the critic who also lives in me, and who is very, very vocal. That voice always seems to think that all it has to say must be heeded, and believed; as if I was in mortal danger if I didn’t take notice of those words, the critique of each thing I did or even considered doing, or saying.
This seemingly small insight led me to realize that listening to the constant critique of me and all my actions (no, I’m not exaggerating here) was leading me to self-hatred and, worse self-rejection. Even though I’d be actively seeking self-acceptance for over a decade.
I haven’t mentioned the bouts of deep depression throughout my life, the exhaustion of second guessing all that I say and do. Analyzing every word I utter, and every response I’ve ever received. Not exactly a position of strength of a place of empowerment, and certainly not an ideal path to finding longed-for feelings of home, belonging or joy.
My revelation was not just that I could listen to my kind inner-voice, but that could believe what it is saying – as opposed to dismissing it, as my inner critic instructed me to for so many years. That I could use that voice as my Northstar, using its kind wisdom to guide me.
A declaration from my inner wise woman
From that small spark of an idea – that I could begin listening to that other voice, and believe what it’s telling me and not dismissing it immediately, came the genesis of a much grander idea. An action I could take to bring it out of my head (and off the pages of my journal) and birth it in the world.
My Self-Love Manifesto
My Self-Love Manifesto is full of loving reminders of ways to be kind to myself, that motivate me to want to be in the world, instead of shrink from it. It’s a powerful declaration from my kind inner voice. Instead of a litany of criticism and mean affirmations, I now have a list of instructions to love and nurture myself, in every moment.
It’s visible to me, all day
My Self-love Manifesto is now a poster hanging on the wall beside my desk. It makes me smile each time I see it. With these loving reminders, my kind voice seems to get a little louder each day. Now I notice my critic’s voice more quickly, and thank it and remind it that I’ve got this – I’m safe and I’m going to be OK without its mean rejoinders.
I offer my Self-Love Manifesto to you. My wish is that it inspires more self-love in you and the world. That helps you find a little more fearlessness, a touch more daring, a dash of empowerment, and most of all joy.
Try reading it each morning, or printing it and putting on the wall where you’ll see it each day. I’d love to hear the shifts that happen for your from listening to your kind inner voice.
by Nikki | Dec 8, 2016 | Blog, Productivity, self-love
Arrggghhh! Stuck again?
Do you have those days (or weeks) when you desperately want to get something done, or a project finished, and you just can’t get yourself to do it? You’re stuck and each time you try to make yourself start you get distracted. Suddenly you’re hungry or thirsty, Facebook is singing it’s siren song, or there’s that email that you simply must answer immediately!
I’ve been stuck for months, totally unable to write blog posts. That’s right – the very thing you’re reading right now. I procrastinate in so many, highly creative ways. A month ago I actually went to the trouble of painting my home office a more ‘cozy’ and calming color so I could write in there. I’d convinced myself that’s what would make it possible to write more easily. Creative procrastinator – that’s me, right here 🙂
That paint job took me 2 weeks to complete in between other work on my list, but since I’d created the belief that I needed that new color to write, nothing even got started. And then when I’d finished painting, it was another two weeks before I actually wrote the first post – and you have probably guessed that it didn’t happen in my home office with the pretty new paint.
So the irony is…
All of the posts I’ve written in the past I wrote over coffee or lunch, in a cafe or restaurant, on a retreat, or at my dining table. I sat down with a warm beverage, a notebook, and a rollerball pen! That’s it! An office – of any hue, either at home or elsewhere, has never been a part of the process, and that’s still true with this post you’re reading right here.
It’s a pretty simple process for me to get myself to write: Notebook? Check. Rollerball? Check. Coffee or snack? Check. Office? No way! Right now I’m at my dining table where I think more clearly, and have none of those pesky interwebs fueled distractions!
So what’s the question, already?
I hear you saying “Nikki, What IS the one question to ask myself when I’m stuck”. Since I promised it to you in the title and the only thing I dislike more than being stuck is click bait, here it is! Ready for the question and five steps to answering it?
WWSWLTD?
“What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?” Just seven simple little words… right? Yes, the words are simple… but the process is not necessarily easy, so I’m going to break it into clear steps for you here.
What would someone who loves themselves do who is stuck not writing blog posts? Considering I’m still traveling the road of learning to deeply love and accept myself (and I fully expect this journey will continue into the foreseeable future – hence my Self-Love Manifesto), in order to ask the question I have to begin by putting myself in the shoes of someone who does – love themselves, I mean. I need to imagine that it’s already true for me, and then sitting in that seat, envision how I would treat myself if that was the case. Like I said, simple – not easy.
Here’s a case study – with your’s truly, front and center
1. I am stuck! Blog posts are my desired goal and I can’t get myself to sit down and write them. My first step is to take a little time to get quiet and listen closely for any internal dialogue. Immediately I hear “it’s hard to write well”, and “who do you think you are trying to make it easy” A quick google search on “it’s hard to write well” gave me over 19 million results! Seems that lot’s of folks agree.
2. So now I’m aware that I have a belief that it’s tough to produce good writing. I just know it’s difficult, and therefore I must grapple with it if I’m going to do it well. Of course, this isn’t necessarily true. It’s certainly a belief I have, but I also know that doesn’t mean that it’s also true. Whether or not it’s true, keeping that belief top-of-mind doesn’t support me having what I want (writing done). It’s actually making it more difficult to approach. So I take look at what beliefs I can suspend here, while I’m considering the question because I think SWLT *someone who loves themselves* would be kinder to herself, would want to do what feels supportive, and would try to make it the whole thing a little easier.
Hang in there… we’re so close
3. So, now instead of thinking “it’s hard to write well”, I start thinking “how do I like to write”. Notice that I’ve defined what seems to cause me the biggest difficulty and removed that condition which radically changes the question. I don’t have to set the condition “write well”. I can write whatever I write, and improve it later, that I already know is a better way to go. The truth is that I actually want to write, and so now it’s a much simpler proposition.
4. The tough part has always been getting myself to sit down to write, even though the writing is something I actually enjoy. So what can I do to make getting to that point more manageable? Now that the question is “how do I like to write?” I actually have an easy answer. I know that my thoughts flow and my pen flies across the page when I find somewhere where I feel cozy, and where I have no internet distractions (eg. large numbers of unread email & 12+ tabs open on my browser).
Spoiler alert…
5. After giving myself a comfy, cozy space to write, the first draft of these words flowed through my fingers into my notebook in 20 minutes. It’s pretty cool – and by cool, I mean very exciting! I have a simple question, that gets me unstuck and that I can use over, and over again.
I keep testing it in my life on the things I still get stuck on, and “What would someone who loves themselves do?” is the question that reliably takes me from I’m stuck to I can do it, and this is exactly how.
So next time you’re stuck, try asking yourself WWSWLTD if they were stuck like you’re stuck now? Tell me what you discover when you try this ‘simple’ question for yourself. I’d love to hear what you were stuck on, and how the one question helped you get unstuck.
by Nikki | Dec 23, 2015 | Blog, struggling
Relieving Stress
Friday has arrived once more, and maybe you find yourself feeling the pressure and stress of whatever still sits on your list from this week. Here are my tips for some relieving stress quickly, and quite simply.
Today, I have a Friday reframe just for you…This week we’re putting a little twist on stress.
When you’re chronically stressed, your body produces adrenalin & cortisol, reducing functions that would be nonessential or detrimental in a fight-or-flight situation, in effect your brain to stops functioning in some the usual ways.
A new approach to stress: Stop trying; rest, ease, switch strategically.
In short, your ability to think logically becomes very limited. If you imagine that your thoughts are usually traveling on a freeway with lots of lanes, and many off ramps, under duress (stress) that freeway becomes an alleyway with far fewer turn offs. And that means that you are aware of fewer options, so you won’t be making the best choices.
You literally can’t think straight, so your decision making abilities, your creativity and your rational thinking are all stunted.
So when you feel the mind-freezing, chest-tightening, breath-shallowing effect of stress, it’s time to try something new… Here’s a little stress relief.
Stress Relief
Feeling stressed? Stop whatever you’re doing, or obsessively thinking about, and not able to even begin. Take a walk, play some music, dance a little, call a friend. The trying ends here. Take time for a break, and get your brain and body focused on something entirely different for at least 30 minutes. And then, tune in to yourself, and your inner state. Notice you’re a little calmer, you can breathe a little deeper, and you’ve stopped obsessing about your list, or task.
Take a New Approach
Now approach your work from a different angle. Get another opinion on how to do something. Brainstorm 5 different ways you could deal with a challenge – the sillier the better. Write ideas on post-it notes and stick them on the walls. As it says in our Stress Friday reframe switch your thinking strategically, and start moving in a different direction, and soon you’ll notice you’re back on top and moving in the direction of progress. You’re thinking more clearly and have a fresh start.
by Nikki | Oct 20, 2015 | Blog, critic, Thoughts
Managing Change
I’m in a big phase of change in my life, and each day I notice that how to swing from welcoming it with open arms, to resisting change with everything I can muster!
And just occasionally, I’m able to simply surrender to change, and trust that whatever is occurring is the right thing, and for my highest good.
If you were to ask me about change, I’d tell you “I love it!”, and some days that’s entirely true. I truly believe change keeps my thinking fresher and my brain clearer. I’ll tell you it makes me more creative and happier, and even helps keep me young.
But that’s not the whole story. Here’s the real kicker… Change is destabilizing and anxiety provoking!
It’s downright scary. It’s frightening, and makes us fearful. It brings up many questions:
What if things don’t work out the way I want them to?
What if I don’t get what I want?
What if ‘they’ don’t like me, or don’t agree with what I’ve done?
Facing our fears
To manage change successfully we need to face our fears of the unknown, of the future, and so much more. Easier said than done.
Sometimes, I don’t notice the fear… those are the times when I simply move on to a task or request that’s less threatening, without even a thought. When I have the awareness that I’m experiencing fear, I try to get clear on what it is that I’m afraid of, so I can remember that it might simply be my brain’s inherent negativity bias, and also to see if it’s a ‘real’ fear. You know, those ones that truly are a threat to my physical survival, rather than me avoiding some kind of shame or humiliation.
At the same time it’s important to remember that focusing on fearful thoughts tends to attract more fear.
When I notice I’m once again expecting the worst, I begin to focus on past successes, and remember that I also encountered fears prior to each of those successes. Most change comes with fear, but I’m trying to train my mind to expect to succeed, and to create more positive beliefs about my future.
Negativity Bias
As Rick Hanson say in his blog post, ‘Take in the Good’ Nov. 18, 2009: “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” Put simply, we have to work at being aware of the positive things that happen to us, and remembering them, rather than exclusively staying aware of the negative or fearful events.
It’s also important to remember the upside of change. Changing my ideas, or my perspective, can help me be happier and can make my life better. It can feel great, and can be exciting. And sometimes one small change in outlook is all that it takes to achieve dreams, and goals.
Remembering both to notice the upside, and being aware that my brain is attuned to the negative, can help to defuse the anxiety that change can induce. Add to that a little bravery in the face of my internal gremlins, and my life can be so much easier, and I can get on and do the work that brings me joy.
What change do you want in your life, and what are your strategies to manage change?
by Nikki | Sep 29, 2015 | Blog, Productivity, Successful projects
I know you’d love to bring your BIG IDEA to life. Want a step-by-step plan to get you to your goal? You come up with countless brilliant ideas! You’re a creative, and you want to succeed, but getting from your BIG IDEA to a successful, and profitable project completion isn’t always a simple task, but with help, you can do it.
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Let me know in the comments about your experience of using this workbook, I’d love to hear about your project idea and how you’re making your brilliant idea a reality.
